Guys, I’m frustrated.
If you didn’t come here to listen to me and my whiney-pants, then move along. This is a bitch fest.
I apologize, because I had no intention of this blog turning into the concussion chronicles, but here we are. This is what I’m feeling and living, so this is what I’m writing about. It’s been almost a month without an intense workout, and I think I’m going a little bit crazy.
My symptoms got much better, my mental fogginess went away, I have been able to tolerate screens again (yay blogging!). But my headache has held steady — I have not been headache free since I got hit, which is frustrating in itself. But that’s not the main problem here. I had started to do some light workouts again, and by light workout, I mean walking the hill by my house a few times in a row. La di da.
I did increase the intensity of this last week by jogging some portions of the hill, which did raise my headache temporarily but felt good anyway. I even considered going back to stadiums last week, but then thought better of it when my medically-sensible husband advised me to wait until I had done a few more intensive workouts first. So I waited. And then this past Saturday, I did a workout at the gym for the first time in 3 weeks (I’ve just been doing light stuff at home). I did a 20 minute spin that was at least half “recovery” which means I only did about 10 minutes of actual work, and then followed that up with a light lift. I’m talking front squatting 65 pounds for sets of six. And bicep curls. Yes, it was a light lift.
And afterward, I felt miserable. By the time I got home after that workout, my headache and nausea were so bad that I had to lay down in a dark room for about 45 minutes before I could function again, and my headache has stayed at a high level since then. Since then, my head has honestly felt like it did during the first couple of days after I got hit.
I am beyond frustrated. We’re closing in on a month, and I feel like I’m losing everything I have worked so hard for in the weight room. Yes, I know my health is more important than my dead lifting max, but when I’ve been working so hard towards goals for the past few years, it’s very difficult to sit around and watch it all waste away. I also can not explain what it’s like to have a constant, 24/7 headache for a month straight. I feel irritable, I feel emotional, and the worst part is that I have no control over it. I try to ignore it when I’m around others, because I don’t want to be that person that is constantly complaining about something. For the past couple weeks, I have not avoided social situations because of it, because I refuse to let a headache take me away from experiences with my husband, friends, and loved ones. But when I stop moving and sit by myself, there’s a pressure and an ache across the front of my head that just. won’t. quit.
I have always been someone who wants to push myself, who wants to go to the limit of what I should safely do, sometimes to my own detriment. And I can’t even really do that now. After how horrible I felt after that light workout on Saturday, I’m afraid to push again. If I end up feeling like that in the middle of a work week, when literally a hundred people per day are counting on me to make decisions about their health, I’m going to fall apart.
I’m just frustrated. Weight lifting, stadium runs, and working out are part of who I am. They are a major part of my identity, and I’m not really sure what I am or where I’m at without that. I’m not the complainer, I’m not the “debbie-downer”, but it’s really hard to stay positive when there’s a vice grip around your brain 24/7. What am I without fitness in my life? What is this blog without a writer who can actually do anything that she’s writing about? I’m scared of how long I’ll have this headache. I’m scared of how long it will be until I can tolerate an intense workout. I’m scared that I’ll lose all of the muscular progress that I’ve been working on for years.
Okay. Rant over. I’ve got some good posts in progress, so I promise this hasn’t turned into a concussion blog. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and for tolerating my whiney-pants, I’ll try not to wear them again for a while. 🙂